‘SAW’s Field Training Regimen’
The training never stops, even when SAW can’t get to the gym. Check out his field workout, but do not attempt without proper minion supervision!
DO YOU EVEN LIFT?
Fill ammo cans with sand to get your curls, rows, and bench press. Do pullups off the turret guns. Military press your weapon.
Living in the field is no excuse for skipping leg day. Carry the ammo cans during walking lunges and step-ups. Knock down jungle trees, sit beautiful women on both ends, hold on shoulders and squat.
TURRET DRAG AND PUSH
Tie a rope around the base of a turret. Tie the rope around your waist and drag the turret. Drag it forward for 50 meters, then untie the rope from your waist, turn around, and drag the turret backward with your hands for another 50 meters. Move to the other side of the turret and push forward the last 50 meters. Turn around and repeat.
(Note: if you’re a wimp beginner, start with a large tire.)
MINION CATCH, CARRY, SLAM AND TOSS
Just holding these squirrely buggers is a core workout! Catch one big minion or two small ones; for High Intensity Interval Training, farmer-carry them back to HQ. Press overhead, keeping elbows out, knees slightly bent, then use the whole body to slam them onto the ground at your feet.
Pick up and repeat until they no longer wiggle, then get new ones. For ever more explosive power, throw the minions from the overhead position, sprint to them, pick up and throw again.
Keep this up and you too can achieve SAW’s ripped physique even while deployed!
‘SAW: The Bridge Burner’
Never try to cheat this soldier for hire …
I fixed on the target’s position thirty klicks outside town. It used the trees. Jumped out at me from 10 meters up, dug into my back. The enemy appeared to be some kind of female human-cat hybrid moving on all fours, with steel claws on her feet and hands. I engaged her in combat, but she pinned me down, ripped the arms clean off my shirt, jumped on my weapon, got herself a mean brass hickey on her foot and howled. I popped smoke before she could give me a free appendectomy, hunkered down into a secure position 50 meters off and laid suppressive fire on the area. I blew the leaves off every tree for 100 meters and couldn’t find a thing. Not a trace. No blood, no body. I hit nothing.
That’s why I loaded Gracie here with explosive shells and lit up the enemy’s base of operation. Nothing could’ve lived. Not at that range. I understand that the ensuing smoke and the destruction of the roads has made business difficult for your citizens, but no one said it was a hush operation. The beast in question has not surfaced in 72 hours, so she is presumed dead and my mission is accomplished. And that, Mister Mayor, is why you are in a choke hold pending payment to me in the amount of 500 gold or equivalent crystal.
‘SAW vs. the Leviathan’
A retired soldier finds his fighting days aren’t over …
The soldier stood in an alley outside the city walls, just hours away from retirement, one palm on the wall, relieving himself. He’d rolled everything he owned into his rucksack, including his paltry final payment. If the ground opened up and took that ruck he wouldn’t miss it, and no one would miss him. His platoon was down south, fighting without him, and at midnight he’d be a civilian for the first time in his adult life. His paperwork had been submitted and filed, his weapons and armor turned in. The night the churn monster punched its powerful limbs through the surface of the sea, the soldier’s military tattoos were well faded.
He was only there at the harbor long enough to catch a ship home – though he had no one to go home to – but the earthquakes had caused rogue waves that anchored the ships. People had been screaming for hours, their houses falling down around them, fires bursting out, loved ones falling into the places where the ground opened up. Not his problem. If he managed to get out of there, it would be the first time he’d escaped from a burning city he hadn’t lit up himself.
When the wall shook under his hand and crumbled, he sighed. A deafening crack sounded from inside the building, then the roof caved in. Toward the harbor, a bonfire burned out the stars. Seemed getting out of this town would take some doing. Abandoning his ruck, he walked toward the burning like he’d been trained to do. He didn’t have anywhere else to be.
People panicked, trampled one another to get away from the sea. He dodged civilians, then he shouldered past guards who had fled their posts at the wall. The closer to the burning he got, the more he had to climb over debris and wounded people. Smoke clogged his throat and eyes. He breathed easier after taking the mask from some unlucky local peacekeeper who’d fallen off the wall.
When a whale came flying over the wall, landing in a wet, bloody slam on the street behind him, he knew this was more than seismic activity. Earthquakes don’t throw whales.
The soldier climbed high as he could on what was left of the abandoned wall and surveyed the scene. Whatever remained on dry land burned. The harbor had split in half and the sea poured through the new fissure, lapping its tongues against the wall. Water sucked downward in the places where the sea floor had cracked, and from those cracks came… arms? tentacles? Visibility was minimal through the smoke. The limbs coiled around cannons from a nearby ship’s broadside gun deck, pried them loose and threw them at the city.
Looking down, swaying in the wind, the soldier saw the sea dump downward in the middle of those tentacles, and from it emerged the head of something giant and angry.
The night sky roiled with smoke from above. A fleet of airships hovered low, dropping everything they had on the monster. Bombs exploded on the thing’s face and it sank under the sea, roaring in the low-pitched sound of nightmares. It soon resurfaced with a vengeance. A tentacle burst skyward, coiled around the stabilizer spar of the nearest airship and brought it down. The doomed ship fell with the same trajectory as the whale had, crashed nose-first on what had once been a thriving harbor, and burned.
The airship’s survivors rolled out onto the shambles of the harbor, extinguishing the fire from their uniforms, dangling broken limbs. The masked soldier tripped and fumbled down the harbor side of the wall, loose bits of it rolling under his boots, then ducked a flaming projectile. A worthless propeller continued to spin as he raced through the wreckage toward the mounted squad automatic weapons on deck. There was only one not cracked in half or on fire. He kicked the mount loose, yanked the weapon free, hauled it up over his shoulder and sidestepped across the narrow gangway to a topmost vantage point.
There, he found himself eye to eye with the churn beast. The largest eye was as big as the soldier was tall. Its mouth yawned open, fish flopping over its seaweed-wrapped tongue.
The soldier had never stared down a creature like this, but danger was danger – and all danger required running or fighting. With the airship burning away below him, there was no escape.
He aimed the weapon down into the gullet of the leviathan and fired the explosive shells. The kickback near knocked his shoulder out of its socket. The beast spasmed, whined, retreated under the steaming water, then exploded upward with a roar. There was nothing to do but fire… and fire… and fire fire fire until all the shells had been deposited into the belly of the beast.
The airship’s flames licked at his boots as the shells exploded in the throat of the monster, cutting off its roars. Underwater booms melded with the sounds of airship propellers and wood cracking under the threat of fire. The monster twisted, whined, retreated and flopped its tentacles onto the water, sending seawater spraying.
So his last moments alive would be like this. Wasn’t a bad way to go, all things considered. Holding a big freaking gun. Maybe the smoke would choke him out before the pain got too bad.
That’s when he saw the rope coming out of the haze by his face, dangling from one of the airships above.
He laughed. So the world wasn’t done with him yet. SAW rested his new weapon over his shoulder, grabbed onto the rope with the other fist and let the ship pull him up while the rubber of his boots melted in the flames and the monster disappeared, sinking into the deep.